


make me feel like i am breathing (feel like i am human)

by faenova



Category: BIRDMEN - 田辺イエロウ | Tanabe Yellow
Genre: Comfort, Developing Relationship, Illustrated, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Skinship, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-23 16:25:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19705072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faenova/pseuds/faenova
Summary: Eishi has realized something about him, now that they’ve had time apart.Takayama Sou is touch starved.





	make me feel like i am breathing (feel like i am human)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mynameisyarra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mynameisyarra/gifts).



> so, my friend decimated me with the line "I'm glad you're real" while we were trading birdmen ideas, and uhh i literally couldn't stop thinking about it for *months* and i had to write it as a full fic
> 
> title taken from [A Little Death by The Neighbourhood](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRfMwoIizTQ&feature=youtu.be) which is also courtesy of yarra
> 
> this is vaguely flock ot5, but focusing on takaeishi so thats what its tagged
> 
> teen because eishi as usual has Teenage Boy Thoughts™

Eishi has realized something about him, now that they’ve had time apart.

Takayama Sou is touch starved.

It’s a concept Eishi hasn’t really thought about. But now he’s made some observations about himself and his own flock, and they might be more social creatures than humans are--or at least, create deeper bonds due to telepathy and sharing sensations and DNA and… sharing everything, really. Tsubame being uneasy when she was separated from the rest of them was only the tip of the iceberg when it came to their need to be close, physically _and_ mentally, to each other.

But Takayama still shies away from them. He keeps his distance. They respect that, for the most part, thinking he just isn’t as needy as the rest of them. Except, when Eishi sees Takayama with the young seraphs who have no such respect for personal space, he hears something in the undercurrent of the emotions Takayama is always putting out. Something confused, unused to the children constantly (physically) grabbing for his attention. His mind lingers on points of contact long after it actually happens, his memories of touch are laced with an ache and longing that makes Eishi’s stomach twist into knots.

(Eishi can't believe he ever thought Takayama was quiet. He’s always talking, always so loud because he never had anyone to hide his thoughts from until now. He’s just on a frequency he’s never caught before because Eishi is too used to only communicating with tangible words.) 

He never flinches from the contact, but he stiffens. Like he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. He doesn’t have issue initiating contact (like _hand holding_ , good lord--) but if someone else touches him, he seems to be at a loss.

Eishi forgets, sometimes, that Takayama was completely alone before their flock. As far as he knew, the one who turned him was gone for good and he was the only one like himself in his sphere of existence. He had no one to talk to, no one to share experiences with, no one who understood.

He’s not entirely sure how that led to the both of them in a locked bedroom of Barbara’s castle.

Well. That’s a lie, of course he knows how it happened. Rei is a conniving bastard who is _extremely_ handsy. Eishi doesn’t mind, (when Takayama was gone, the rest of the flock had plenty of time to get used to each other’s bodies,) but Takayama has been out of the loop. He’s not used to being touched, much less… _other_ things that they might want to include Takayama in. Eishi can hear the buzzing panic rise in Takayama’s brain every time Tsubame tries to groom his feathers, every time Mikisada tries to drape himself on the smaller seraph like a living blanket, every time Rei puts a friendly hand on his knee--so he puts his foot down and tells the others that they need to stop overwhelming Takayama, and Eishi will take it upon himself to _slowly_ get him used to intimacy.

Hence, the locked bedroom. Just the two of them. Eishi thinks he’s probably had dumber ideas, but he’s definitely had _better_ , and he halfway wishes that Takayama hadn’t agreed to this.

“We don’t have to get naked,” Eishi says. “But peel back the top half of your armor, at least.”

Takayama nods, and his wings disappear. It takes some concentration to take off the armor partially, but of course he does it without batting an eyelash. A few tendrils of wingmass snake up his stomach and up his back to where the mark between his shoulders is, which is plenty of exposure for what they’re doing.

Eishi follows suit in undressing and holds out his hand. “Come on then,” he offers. “It’s awkward just standing here.” He can’t bring himself to verbally tell Takayama to sit on the bed, but he gets the idea as he clasps Eishi’s hand and follows him to the firm mattress. He feels the heat rising in his cheeks, but at least he isn’t a stuttering mess about this kind of stuff anymore. Fooling around with the rest of the flock has mostly cured his hesitation--or maybe he’s just getting more inhuman, less flustered over the concept of sex and romance. His change in attitude is incredible, he thinks, as he nudges Takayama into sitting on the bed.

The idea is just to get used to contact with one person, and Eishi isn’t going to let him shy away. So when Takayama is seated comfortably, Eishi crawls into his lap. He feels Takayama go rigid underneath him, but he relaxes a little bit after a moment, when the touch doesn’t immediately go away. It has the desired effect, for the most part.

Then, Eishi asks if he can kiss Takayama. Well, he doesn’t so much ask as much as he projects an image of it, a wordless wanting as he closes his eyes and presses their foreheads together. Takayama inhales sharply, and jerks his head like he’s trying to figure out which angle to approach a kiss from. He’s so, _so_ loud, projecting confusion, desire, doubt, _embarrassment_ \--that one makes Eishi opens his eyes to look at Takayama with half-closed lids. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he says softly. He makes an effort to speak out loud, to make sure none of his own desires to take it further slip out in their shared mindspace. “We can do something else, or stop for a minute and come back to this later.”

Takayama stares at him, blank and bright eyed, and once upon a time Eishi wouldn’t have been able to read him. Wouldn’t have been able to detect the turmoil and emotion behind his inhuman expression. Takayama leans in, slowly, then all at once screws his eyes shut and just about smashes his lips against the corner of Eishi’s mouth. It lasts two whole seconds before he pulls away, lips staying closed the entire time. Eishi feels the doubt creeping into Takayama’s mind, and so he leans in again to kiss Takayama back, before those thoughts can take hold.

He doesn’t open his mouth, just presses a gentle, reverent kiss to his lips. Then another, then to his cheek, his jaw, his neck--

“Ah--!” Takayama cries out wordlessly, grabbing Eishi’s arm and trailing off into--to--was that a whimper?

Eishi pulls back. “Are you okay?”

Takayama nods, keeping his mouth tight and opting instead to send Eishi a wave of sensations, presumably what he’s been feeling this whole time.

It’s… good.

_It’s a lot._

Eishi has to shut down the connection before he’s completely overwhelmed. He’s reminded again that he’s pretty much never been touched like this in his life--or touched at all. He places a hand on Takayama’s chest, rubbing a thumb over his collarbone which earns him another sharp inhale. (Eishi will treasure these noises Takayama is making forever, he thinks. And there is no way he’s telling Rei about _any_ of them.) He spares a passing thought to trailing his hands down--but quickly squashes the idea before Takayama can pick up on it. That’s not what he needs right now. Eishi isn’t going to put his fleeting fantasies above Takayama’s needs and boundaries. And besides, Takayama might spontaneously combust if he actually acts on it.

So he puts his other hand on Takayama’s chest, gently nudges him to lay down, and climbs off of him. Takayama sends out a brief tweet, layers of questions packed into a single spike through Eishi’s mind--a prominent concern-questioning if something is wrong, along with an underlying guilt-question asking if it’s Takayama’s fault. On top of it, reassurances that Takayama is okay and not overwhelmed, sidelined by asking if Eishi also likes what they’re doing and wondering if they’re done now.

Eishi doesn’t know how he managed to talk to Takayama before he got used to this kind of wordless emotion-based communication. “Stay down,” he answers out loud. Mentally, he tells Takayama in no uncertain terms that it’s fine, nothing is wrong, Eishi is enjoying this too, and he’s doing great. He lets his body do the rest of the speaking as he lays next to Takayama, arms wrapping around him. Takayama gets the idea and shifts to accommodate with more jerky movements, unsure where to put his limbs. They settle down facing each other, with Takayama’s face hidden in the crook of Eishi’s neck and their legs all tangled up as Eishi strokes his hair.

They stay there for a while, until Takayama starts to speak--out loud, for once. “Kara--” Takayama cuts himself off, squeezes Eishi tighter and takes in a deep breath before exhaling slowly against his chest as he relaxes. “Eishi?”

“Mmhm?”

“I’m glad you’re real.”

Eishi feels the words like a punch in the gut, leaving him winded and scrambling for purchase in the maelstrom of Takayama’s thoughts. Fear, uncertainty, and overwhelming relief flood into Eishi’s head and he has to consciously remind himself that these aren’t his own emotions. “I’m--” he almost echoes the words back, unsure of how to respond for a heavy few seconds. “I love you too,” he whispers instead, pressing a kiss to Sou’s forehead.

He shudders and sinks further into Eishi’s embrace. Eishi hugs him tighter, rubbing small circles into his shoulder blades where his wing mark is. Sou continues to relax until Eishi realizes that he’s actually fallen asleep in his arms.

A nap doesn’t sound so bad, Eishi thinks. But then again… watching Sou completely relaxed like this. It’s way better than sleeping.


End file.
